Unspoken Fear

All of us have fears. Let’s not kid ourselves. No matter how bad-ass we think we are, there are things that send chills through us, deep down to the core.

I have a few fears, but one in particular, is a fear that I never voice. Why? Maybe because if I acknowledge it out loud, it may become reality. The sane side of me knows that’s not true. But then that little voice creeps into my mind…daring me to speak it out loud. So, I don’t.

Do you worry about your loved ones? The ones that are closest to you? Of course you do! If you don’t, you don’t have a soul and you might as well just quit reading right now.

My son is in the military, and I worry about him on each of his deployments. I always breathe a sigh of relief when he’s back home.

The person I worry about most though is my husband. Not because he is weak, or can’t take care of himself. He’s just the opposite. But his job is something that daily puts him on the forefront of danger. He’s a helicopter pilot. Not just any helicopter pilot. He’s a fire pilot.

While some say he has the “coolest” job ever, I see it from a slightly more realistic point of view. Yes, his job is exciting, thrilling and heroic, but those are perceptions that don’t reveal what his job truly is to me…dangerous. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate his job. On the contrary. I think his job is awesome. I used to fly with him all the time when he was on a news helicopter in the Los Angeles area. It’s a blast!! But the dangers he faces each and every day are not something most people experience or even think about. Every time he gets in that aircraft, whether it is on a training flight, or him and his crew are heading to a fire, there is the possibility of him not coming back home. We’ve had close friends and co-workers (I also used to work in the helicopter industry at a maintenance facility) that perished in helicopter crashes. I can’t even begin to explain the chill that goes right through me when we get news of another fatality. And while I know my husband is an ultra safe pilot and his aircraft is maintained impeccably, accidents do happen. Parts fail. There are bird strikes. Power lines become invisible during flight. Piece-of-shit drone operators fly their drones through the middle of fires where my husband is trying to put out the flames. I don’t see the need to get footage of flames up close, while endangering multitudes of firefighters on the ground and in the air. God forbid a drone is ever the cause of and accident involving my husband while he is flying, I will make sure that operator dies a slow and painful death.

So, every day my husband is at work, I have that nagging fear in the back of my mind. Is he safe? Is his crew safe? Will I get “That Call”?. On a few occasions, I’ve received phone calls late at night from one of his Captains. My heart stops when I see the caller ID. Do I pick up the phone? Do I let it go to voicemail? Do I want to know? But thank goodness, it was him calling me from someone else’s phone, because the battery on his died. *sigh*

While this fear is with me every day he is at work, I don’t dwell on it or let it consume me. I think if he realized how deeply it affects me, he would be bothered. And I don’t want him to be distracted at his job, worrying about me worrying. I pray that God keeps him and his crew safe. I pray that he comes home after his weekly shift. I pray that he makes it to retirement and we can go off and enjoy our golden years. But I also know that our plans for our future can be snuffed out in a flash. Without him, life would never be the same, especially if he was taken from me in a work related accident. So, I try to enjoy each moment I have with him. We’re not perfect and we have THOSE moments, but we always make sure we don’t part angry. Regret is a bitch I don’t want to live with.

 

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.

~Mark Twain~