I’m mostly known for my off-kilter humor, saying what’s on my mind, shooting off my big mouth (that clearly has NO filter), and generally not caring what anyone else thinks. But what the majority of people around me don’t know is that I am incredibly spiritual. I’m not talking about the “burning incense and seeing things” kind of spiritual. I’m talking about my deep, intense love for God. From an early age, I’ve always found myself drawn to talking to Him. Taking all of my questions and concerns to Him and knowing full well that He would always be there for me.
It was clear to me from childhood that I was not like other people. Making friends never came easy. I was always the odd one in the bunch (still find myself to be the same today). Each and every single year in school, I was the one that had her yearbook full of “Wish I could have gotten to know you. Have a great summer.” And I’m thinking to myself “I’ve been sitting next to you ALL YEAR!!! Why do you wait until now to “want to get to know me”? But, I regress….
Through all of that, I knew I could count on God. I have memories, clear as day, from when I was an early teenager, when I would question things and I knew the answers I received came from God. Even in my darkest days, I knew He was there. I wandered away from Him for many years in my late teens, through my 20’s and into my early 30’s, but looking back I can see that He never left my side. The only question I’ve asked Him as far back as I can remember, it this….”Why do you love me?” I don’t like myself. I really, truly don’t. I want to be like others. Always have. I don’t want to be loud and boisterous. I want to be quiet and respected. I want to be memorable (in a good way) and have people remember me. Let me explain….
I do know that I’m not memorable. I say that, because it’s true. People just never remember me (unless you count the times when people re-hash the stupid stuff that has come out of my mouth). Only recently, I was standing with some friends as a spectator at the Western States 100 run. One of my friends was stopped every few feet by different people she knew. I was telling her that that NEVER happens to me. “I’m not one that anyone remembers”. She thought I was exaggerating. At that exact moment, one of our long-time friends walked up and started talking to us. He never even acknowledged me. I turned to her and said “You see????” Even then, he just stared at me. It wasn’t until I said “Hey! It’s me! Birdie!” that he even recognized me (apparently it was the sunglasses and the hat, or something something something. Whatever!). Seriously, we’ve run races together, hung out and basically are not just distant acquaintances. Yup it’s a fact, I’m not memorable.
There are certain personalities that people are drawn to…I’m not one of those. My husband on the other hand is a people magnet. I suppose that’s one of the qualities I love so much about him (and I’m jealous of him for that too). As for me, I can start telling someone something, get cut off, and no one ever asks me to continue my story. Obviously, it wasn’t that interesting to begin with. No one wants to know how it ended. Because of that, I make an extra effort to have people finish telling me what they started. Not only do I truly want to know what they were trying to say, but I think it makes people feel loved and respected. At least that’s how I would feel. Maybe no one else sees it that way. But I do. My brain has it’s own way of working, I suppose.
So, I ask God why He made me that way. Why can’t I be someone that people are drawn to? Why, why, why? The answer I keep getting is “Because I love you just the way you are”.
Why God, do You love someone that says the wrong things all the time? Why do You love someone that acts so un-Christian more times than not? Why?
It’s really been only in the last month or so that I’ve found at least some answers to those questions. What I’ve found is that I shouldn’t be asking WHY He loves me, instead ask Him to help me love myself AS He loves me. I still haven’t figured out how to do that, but I’m looking at myself from a different perspective now. My mom used to say “God doesn’t make mistakes”. Therefore, I can be certain that I am the way I am, because that’s how He wants me to be. He understands when I tell Him that I don’t agree with Him. He already knew that about me. He made me that way.
I am hoping to fully understand what He sees in me and then use that knowledge to live a life that will put a great big smile on His face by being the perfect loud, eccentric, weird lunatic he created me to be.
Someday I want Him to say “Well done, my faithful servant”, or in my case “Well done, crazy chick”.
Morning Delight 65 