98 Years Young

Carmen – my mother-in-law. She is 98 years old, feisty and definitely has a blog-worthy personality. I thought I’d share a few tidbits here and there, giving you a glimpse into her world. This isn’t anything new by any means. I’ve been texting my BFF for YEARS about all the crazy stuff that unfolds when I’m around her. The things she says and does make your head spin at times. A few years back, when she still lived in Southern California, we had to take her to the medical supply store over an issue with a commode she purchased. And the ENTIRE time on the drive there, she was royally pissed off because she forgot her cane at home. Not because she needed it to walk with, oh no, but because she wanted to beat the guy at the store with it. She was raging mad that she’d left it at home. And after having to listen to her rant about that for 20 minutes, we find out he wasn’t even working that day. Lucky for him. LOL

We moved her up to Rocklin a couple of years ago into a senior apartment. She lived on her own until in March 2017, on her 98^th birthday, she was taken to the emergency room via ambulance because she couldn’t breathe. After all the tests were run, it was determined that she had fluid on her lungs and congestive heart failure. She couldn’t understand why. We tried to gently explain to her that her heart was old and tired. She kind of balked at that, as if that scenario was hardly plausible. *sigh*

So, after her stay at the hospital (4 glorious days she kept threatening to leave), she was immediately transferred to a skilled nursing facility (against her will, she is sure to tell everyone that will listen). Here she now spends her days, discussing all of her dislikes, aches, pains and general complaints about life with like-minded individuals. It’s a joy to sit back and watch it unfold sometimes. Other times, it just drains my brain. I honestly don’t ever want to get that old. Shoot me! Please!

Seriously, they beat on each other! It’s like they are geriatric octagon cage fighters! I always say that if you were to make a soap opera about what goes on there, no one would believe it. “The Old and the Forgetful” ”As the Walker Squeaks” “All My Strained Peas”

At her age, you’d think that her mind would be going…well, it is…slowly. But not according to her. Oh no, no, no. Just ask her. She’ll tell you. Everyone else is crazy, including the staff. Oh yes! They are sometimes the biggest nut jobs of all. At least, that’s what she tries to convince us of. She will literally smack talk about someone that is standing right in front of her, and she honestly thinks they can’t hear her, just because she’s not making eye contact with them. Some days I just want the ground to open up and swallow me. Gahhhh! It’s so embarrassing! And when I tell her to be nice, she comes back with “Well, (so and so) is just nuts anyways!” Good lord! They’re right here! In front of you! But it doesn’t seem to faze her at all.

A few weeks ago, Carmen almost went to blows over a remote control. I seriously thought she was going to smack the nurse. She already has one strike against her. She can’t afford to get kicked out of the nursing home for another physical altercation. So, that one had me on edge. Good thing Glenn talked her down. He has a way of doing that. Me…after 28 years of being on the receiving end of her charm, I’ve resorted to just rolling my eyes and wanting to put an instant stop to the nonsense. Honestly, it’s like dealing with a toddler all over again.

I’m sitting here, thumbing through texts between me and my BFF to jog my memory of various “incidents”.

March 17, 2017

BFF: How’s Carmen

Me: Some good days, some bad days. Last night she was in rare form. I tried not to laugh at her, but it was difficult. Some of the stuff that was shooting out of her mouth was so ridiculous, I was crying laughing.

BFF: OMG

Me: Dude. You have no idea. I was trying so hard not to laugh, that it was actually painful. And Glenn kept giving me weird looks because I’m sure the conversation was not very comfortable for him. She was talking about her bodily functions again.

Oh yes…the “bodily functions” conversation. They are my FAVORITE! Ugh

April 15, 2017

Me: According to Carmen, the people here all have brain problems. They are “coopy”. I’m guessing that’s a combination of cookoo and loopy.

Also, her walker must be a piece of junk, since no one has taken it. Everything here is a conspiracy theory.

Yup, that’s how the wheelchair rolls. Everyone is out to get everyone else. Everyone is a thief and a liar. And now we have to be so careful in how we word things, as to not get her going on one of her rants. Nowadays, when things start to go sideways, we just change the subject. That means we really have to have a lot of tricks in our bag. You miss a beat, and she’ll leave you in the dust. You’ve got to cut that crap off at the kneecaps before it gets out of hand. We learned the hard way. Too often we’ve made the mistake in asking her to explain her side of things to us. All that does is open the door to an avalanche of drama that just escalades into a pile of you-know-what. I’ve walked out of there mentally drained. It’s exhausting to have to dodge those kind of bullets for an hour or two. But we are learning…quickly.

And then there are those days when she’s riding high on cloud nine. She cracks some funny jokes too. It makes me laugh when she’s talking about someone and says “I don’t know why she’s tripping”. Ha Ha Ha! Yeah Carmen, I don’t either.

One day, Glenn and I took her to sit outside for a while. Not sure how the conversation got on the topic of a farm. Carmen grew up on a farm in Kansas and Glenn was telling her about our chickens. Then he says to her with a total serious face “I tried to milk a chicken the other day, but I don’t think I did it right. I couldn’t get any milk.” OMG! The look she gave him was priceless. She says “What are you? Crazy? You can’t milk a chicken! You only milk cows…and maybe goats. You’re nuts!” Then it took us a while to convince her that he was just kidding. She still wasn’t sure about his sanity.

We love her and are dealing with the challenges of an aging parent the best way we know how.

So, stay tuned for upcoming snippets of Carmen’s life. I will do better in documenting some of the funny (and bizarre) stuff that happens in her world and share them with you.